The sun is out in full force today. It’s highlighting the frost everywhere and forcing me to see the beauty in it. I don’t want to see the beauty. I’m tired of the winter weather already and would have preferred a gloomy day to justify hibernation. Now my procrastination has to be addressed and I’ll have to drag myself out into that sunshiny world.

Sometimes I feel like that about my health. When my symptoms keep me at home, it’s almost a relief. An excuse not to leave the comfort of my home. An excuse not to talk to anyone. An excuse not to put myself out in any way.

I know that’s not a mentally healthy way to feel. Luckily, I don’t feel that way as often as I have in the past, but I also don’t always recognize my procrastination for leaving the house for what it really is. Depression.

Sneaky thing, that is. When gloomy, grey weather becomes your best friend, you have a problem. I normally rejoice in the sunshine so when I didn’t this morning, I realized I must be feeling gloomy in my soul.

Why is this? There’s no reason for it. At the moment, my pain level is at a normal spot, I’m not nauseous today, my bills are paid, I have everything I need/want. But that’s the thing with sneaky depression-there doesn’t always have to be a reason.

Now that’s I’ve caught this sneaking up on me, though, I will meet it head on. It will not get the best of me. I’m going out in the cold sunshine and I will rejoice being alive to do so. I will talk to anyone I meet and smile at everyone. And enjoy doing so. When I can take myself out of myself, my spirits lift effortlessly.

If I had waited till later today to write this blog, I would be writing how wonderful the sunshine is, how beautiful the frost, how bracing the cold, how productive my day is. Because that’s exactly how I will feel in a little while. But if I don’t write about the darker side of my life, no one will ever know it. Everyone has a side they hide from the world. I’m lucky enough to have had a life that has had nonstop ups and downs. I say lucky because I’ve learned the skills needed to stay positive through it all. Or so I thought till I fell into such a dark hole I couldn’t climb out by myself. There’s no shame in that or in the way I’m feeling this morning. But you must take action to get out of that mindset or you’ll fall. I won’t go into that pit again without a fight and my fight this morning is walking out my door.

So, I’m doing it.

My challenge to you today is to do the same. Do the opposite of what feels right to you. If hibernating is all you want to do, then get out into the world for a few minutes even. Suddenly, your perspective will change. For the better. So, enjoy your day!

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Sandra Davenport Collins

Mother of three girls, two son-in-laws. Grandma to two boys and two girls along with four dogs and four cats. Living life fully with Chronic Pancreatitis and Fibromyalgia.

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